Six Steps to Writing an Awesomely Terrible Nutrition Article

1) The first step to writing an awesomely terrible nutrition article is to pick your food. You can go several routes with this. You can go to Whole Foods and pick a food out at random. Honestly, as long as you put Whole Foods somewhere in your article you will get instant credibility as a connoisseur of health.

I chose to go the more accessible route and open up my refrigerator. By picking an item that is common, you can go “the super food right under your nose” route. My super food du jour is mustard.

2) The second step is to pick a number. People love numbers. Do you even Buzzfeed?

We’ll go with the number six. It’ll keep us on the lower end of the short term memory spectrum.

3) Now for the real substance. I recommend you go to Wikipedia and find some nutrition facts. I recommend you forego the macronutrient route. People are tired of hearing about dumb things like carbohydrates and calories. Go for things like vitamins and minerals. They’re not readily tangible and nobody really knows what amount you should be getting. I will choose my six: Vitamins B6, C and E and minerals iron, phosphorous and zinc.

These are found in mustard seed. Are any of these listed on the container in the refrigerator? No, but it’s basically the same thing, right?

4) Now you need to find diseases and conditions that people have insecurities or fears about.

Low-hanging fruit like cancer and obesity should always be concluded. Additionally we’ll include acne, baldness, the flu and stroke.

5) We’re almost to the end of this perfectly terrible article! Now just find evidence matching those vitamins and minerals to preventing or curing our selected diseases and conditions. Even if they only involve injecting rats with unrealistically high doses of our nutrients, include it. Case study about a Chinese man 100 years ago? It involves the East and there’s a chance it might be generalizable to the population as a whole. Why even ask that question?

I found evidence for: Vitamin B6 preventing stroke

Vitamin C curing cancer

Vitamin E preventing acne

Iron growing hair

Phosphorous curing the flu

Zinc dropping the pounds

6) Cite your sources as little as possible.

Plot twist, everything I just listed was completely made up. But if I don’t cite anything you won’t ever know that and you sure as heck aren’t going to take the time to look everything up. You already have cancer and the number on the scale occupying your mind now.

7) Since I have no academic or journalistic integrity I can add another step. Fill your website with ads in as many places as possible.

If you want to go above and beyond, you will make every single nutrient have its own web page so each and every page gets its own additional set of ad revenue.


There you have it! Six steps to writing an awesomely terrible nutrition article. Who knew it could be so easy? Now all that is left is to sleep soundly knowing the world is a worse place than you left it.

Ramble on,

Sam

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